Dark Passengers

How a sleep paralysis demon and the music of TOOL helped me confront my Shadow and fully embrace my Bad Wolf

“There’s a shadow just behind me, shrouding every step I take…”

Anybody who has taken an introductory psychology class or listened to any three TOOL songs is at least somewhat familiar with Swiss psychiatrist/psychoanalyst Carl Jung’s Shadow archetype. 

I’ve done both, though I first encountered the concept before I did either.

I was seven the first time I heard “Sober,” the first single from their second album, 1993’s Undertow. I’ve always been a night owl and I didn’t really have a weekend bedtime, so my awakening came during an episode of MTV’s 120 Minutes. I was flipping through the channels looking for a scary movie as per usual, when that weird little clay man in his floating chair stopped me cold. I had absolutely no idea what the hell I was seeing, but I knew that I needed see more.

I also stopped because I heard Adam Jones playing the visceral, distorted notes of what is still my favorite guitar intro of all time. “Sober” is also my favorite TOOL song period; from Maynard’s ominous opening lament to Paul D’Amour’s repetitive, deliberate bass line, played in sync with percussion prodigy Danny Carey’s steady, thudding drums.

While TOOL is notorious for double meanings and double entendres, the song is ostensibly about a friend of the band who could only create when he was under the influence, which falls right in line with the concept of the Shadow Self. The band continue their exploration of the Shadow in “Forty Six & 2,” from 1996’s Ænima. True to form, the album’s title is a portmanteau of anima and enema, a nod to both Jungian theory and Maynard’s signature juvenile humor.

“My Shadow’s shedding skin

I’ve been picking scabs again

I’m down, digging through

My old muscles for a clue”

By middle school, my interest in what all those cryptic-ass lyrics meant eventually led me to actually look into Jung and his main archetypes: the Persona, the Anima and Animus, the Self, and the Shadow. In short, the Shadow is an unconscious component of the human psyche which represents our basest, most primal and sexual instincts. These include qualities that are unacceptable to oneself, not just to society, such as anger, hate, greed, pride, aggression, non-consensual sadism, etc. The Shadow can be most simply understood to be a person’s Dark Side.

The Shadow is thought to first appear in one’s dreams. It takes various forms, though it often appears as creatures generally considered to be ominous. Some of its incarnations include snakes, dragons and demons. Jung theorized that the Shadow forms as a result of an individual’s attempts to conform to societal expectations. Though the Shadow is present in all humans, many choose to deny it and project it onto others, with predictably negative consequences.

The opposite of this is Shadow work, which requires identifying these qualities, and then either incorporating or dispensing with them as necessary. In theory, the process of Shadow work is one of the first steps on the way to authentic living.

My own experiences with Shadow work have been difficult, but it may have been easier for me to embrace because shadows (both figurative and literal) have long been part of my life. Cliche as it may sound, I’ve always found comfort in the night, though I’ve also always been wary of what lurked in the darkest corners.

Mysterious strangers

Described by my family as a ‘morbid’ child (who became an even more morbid adult), my lifelong fascination with the macabre emerged very early in childhood. I spent hours watching horror movies with my aunties and devouring ghost stories by myself, reveling in talk of spirits, vampires, witches, werewolves, and other creatures of the night. I thought cemeteries were tragically beautiful, rather than frightening.

It’s been close to fifteen years now, but for most of my life, I dealt with regular bouts of sleep paralysis. As a child, it was simply the feeling of being held down and unable to move or speak. My family is both very Southern and Gullah Geechee, so the older folks would say that the old witch (also called the old hag or boo hag) was riding my back. In my late teens, the episodes significantly increased in both frequency and intensity. Most people who deal with sleep paralysis either experience it upon waking up (hypnopompic) or upon falling asleep (hypnagogic), but I had both, multiple times a week, and sometimes multiple times in the same night.

It was during these episodes, I began to experience the most frightening aspect of sleep paralysis. I began to feel as if there was a presence in my bedroom, one that I could not see, but that I innately knew did not have good intentions for me. It felt like something was watching from the darkness…and waiting. In other words, it was not a pleasant experience. Over the years, I had fortunately developed the ability to force myself to move and once I did, the feeling would pass.

After I graduated high school, me and my mom moved into a new house. The third night there, I woke up and immediately knew something was off. And not just because of the familiar heaviness in my limbs. First of all, I was on my back, which I avoided for obvious reasons. Two, my bedroom door was wide open, something I definitely did not do. Worst of all, there was a figure not standing, but floating in the doorway. It wore a skirt and bonnet and somehow, I knew it was a young slave girl.

And I also knew she didn’t want me there.

I also knew that she would have been looking directly at me…if she had a face.

Before I could properly process that, I felt hands around my throat, squeezing. I knew it was the figure, but I’d been watching her the whole time and she hadn’t moved from the doorway. It was as though she was doing it with her mind, like some ghostly Sith Force choke. After a loooooong five seconds, I managed to sit up. As soon as I did, the specter was gone, as was the pressure around my neck. My door was also once again closed.

Needless to say, I was terrified. I’d seen and felt presences that would be described as paranormal entities on several occasions, a few of them possibly malicious, but I’d never been physically attacked before. I’ve been attuned to the so-called Other Side all my life, thanks to my grandma and great-great grandma, and I knew that sometimes people were haunted, not just places. That night, I went and slept in my mom’s bed for the first time in years. The next night before bed, I firmly told whatever it was that it was now my house. I told it that I meant no disrespect, but that it was time to go.

Luckily, I never saw the girl or any other entity again.

Several months later, I was diagnosed with adult ADHD and a lot more things started to make sense. For years after that, my episodes of sleep paralysis were only occasional, and I noticed that my encounters with nocturnal visitors always coincided with transitional periods in my life.

“Change is coming through my Shadow…”

In my early 20’s, I began to feel, but not see, the dark presences again. This also happened to be around the time I was experiencing major personal changes. I had just gone through a difficult breakup, and as a result, I was learning who my friends were and weren’t. I was struggling with work and school. I was irritable, I was angry, I was unhappy all the time and I withdrew from friends and family. I wasn’t feeling like myself. I just felt…wrong. Then, at 23, I was finally diagnosed with clinical depression, another gift from Grandma.

Before I continue, understand that my views on the supernatural are not as simple as whether I do or don’t believe in it. While I think there are many things we do not currently understand, things I’ve experienced firsthand, I’m very much interested in logical, scientific explanations for such phenomena. Furthermore, I think many of the ostensibly “paranormal” encounters I described were actually manifestations of all the things I had yet to deal with and was unconsciously ignoring, i.e. my Shadow.

Addressing my mental health was my first true act of Shadow work. And as I worked through my depression and AuDHD with medication, mindfulness and therapy, my dark visitors finally left me in peace. I’m not saying that you’ll be attacked by demons in the night if you don’t deal with your own demons, but a little introspection goes a long way. Any step towards self-improvement, no matter how small, is Shadow work.

“Where there is light,

There must also be shadow”

“…The one you feed.”

Jung’s critics have argued that his theories are a bit too steeped in spirituality and metaphysics. I have no affinity for Jung himself, but it’s that very syncretism that I find so interesting. I see his archetypes not as scientific dogma, but as analogies and metaphors for the human condition. By design, archetypes are universally applicable templates.

For example, you’ve probably heard the old proverb about the two wolves. It has been attributed to many cultures (usually Cherokee) and has many forms, but the essential lesson is the same. It goes:

A Cherokee elder is teaching his grandson about life.

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old man simply replied, “The one you feed.”

The Bad Wolf, of course, represents the Shadow. My own Bad Wolf, whom I, in fact, have always referred to as “Shadow,” does still like to come out and play. She’s a little less wild than she used to be, but her teeth are still sharp and she still goes for the throat. To bring this full-circle: In my mind’s eye, I’ve always seen myself as a gray wolf; a blend of light and dark.

I feed them both.

I control them both.

The journey never ends, but these days, my wolves run side by side.